Out-Of-Control

As mentioned in my previous post, Kyle pulled his hamstring (grade II tear) over the weekend and was in excruciating pain and could not walk. We decided to take him into Estelí to get checked out, and this post is a reflection about the role that control plays in my life here and what I am learning about myself. 

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When you move into a new culture, community and new language you let go of a lot of things—one huge thing is CONTROL. At first, you don’t realize how hard this may be. Everything seems fun and new. It’s kind of fun not caring what time the meeting is, or how you are going to get into town to buy your groceries or what’s on the schedule the next day. Flying along without a schedule or worry is liberating. However, this goes against every grain in my highly-motivated, check-list, independent brain. So as we settled into doing life here in Nicaragua, I  began to feel that dissonance of wanting to “let go and go with the flow” and wanting to get stuff done, on my own, independently and just have everything figured out. This caused a lot of strife and struggle as I attempted to find a role that allowed me to do this. It was hard to feel a sense of purpose, and I struggled to balance the idea of accompaniment (which we definitely signed up for!) and finding a role (is that what we signed up for?). In December, this realization really hit hard. What was the 2016 school year going to look like? After lots of discussion and prayers, we decided on a schedule that we are excited about—that I wrote about in a previous post. Things were feeling balanced, I again, felt comfortable in conforming to some roles here, but still letting things go with the flow and just “being”.

Until this weekend…Kyle injured his leg playing in a soccer game. Suddenly everything felt out of our control again. He couldn’t walk. He was in a ton of pain and we realized we needed to get his leg checked out by a doctor in the city of Estelí in case the muscle or tendon was completely torn. Kyle wasn’t able to sit, so the 1 hour bus ride was not an option. We don’t have a car here. Suddenly, we were reliant on the people around us. It was out of our control. Who had a truck that was heading into Estelí that day? Our wonderful neighbors helped us out and offered their truck, BUT it was out in a community and wouldn’t be back until 11am. We called the clinic and the specialist was leaving at noon that day. Again, nothing we could do except wait. The truck finally returned to pick us up to head into Estelí around 1pm, too late to see the specialist at the clinic. We were able to see a general doctor who spoke the fastest Spanish I have ever heard, and who obviously was trying to get to his lunch break that I think we were interrupting. We eventually ended up at an imaging center for an MRI to check for any significant Grade III tears. We had to take a taxi as we couldn’t walk around town. And it had to be private so Kyle could keep his leg up in the back seat. More expensive. Again, if only we had our own vehicle. Our neighbors returned after the MRI was complete to take us back to the original doctor--who obviously was pretty “hangry” at our first appointment--and this time was much more patient with us. He read the MRI and gave us his recommendations. At least 1 week, no weight bearing. Oh no! What are we going to do about our Spanish classes that are supposed to start this week? We can’t walk up hill to the classroom! Feeling out of control again…and negative thoughts started to sneak in. And overall, just feeling frustrated and like this were totally out of control! A hamstring tear in the grand scheme of things isn’t so bad, but it definitely amplified many feelings about control. Feelings of frustration and lack of control that accumulated over the last 6 months here. This felt like 1 more thing that I couldn’t control.

I had many moments of thankfulness for the kindness of the people in our town and our neighbors. But was feeling so overwhelmed that we couldn’t control any of it. We were stuck waiting. Stuck without a solid translation of what the doctor’s were saying. I couldn’t drive my husband into town to get him the medicine and appointment he needed, I couldn’t take away his pain, I couldn’t control so many things that day. And it made me crazy! I started feeling bad for myself and wondering…”Why did we choose this life?”. So selfishly I thought this. We have chosen to live a more “inconvenient” life. But we made that choice, for a variety of reasons, and 99% of the time this has been a great choice.  It, also, really made me stop and think that so many people, especially Nicaraguans who live waaay out in truly rural communities, DO NOT have a choice. And so many people here have much more traumatic or worse experiences than a Grade II hamstring tear. And they don’t have options, they don’t have a choice. This is their reality. They don’t have control over their circumstances and often are left to the devices of the government, people in the community, family and friends or just fate. For many people here, It has been like this their whole life and is the norm and it may not feel like a hardship, at all. But for us coming from a culture of control and independence the lack of control becomes a hardship, and a frustration, instead of a time to rely on your community and give your worries and frustrations to God. An important practice, that I am not very good at!

All that being said, this isn’t a post to stir up feelings of guilt or to feel bad for the people here. People here are happy! If I really step back and reflect, they have life pretty well figured out. Relationships are important. Slowing down is okay. And not being in control is actually what we are called to do—let go and let God. This is just a reflection on the differences in our cultures, expectations and way of life. The biggest differences in these two cultures became so blindingly clear to me over the last few days.

The culture here is SO different then the way we grew up in the U.S. In the U.S., we do, do, do. We learn that anything is possible if you “just put your mind to it!” We get our list checked off…and quickly! We learn early on that independence is important, you do it for yourself, no need to rely on others. In fact, it may be seen as weakness to rely on someone else. That’s where these two cultures collide for me. It’s a huge choque (crash) in my mind and at times it’s painful. But it’s also a huge growing experience for me. How do I let go of some of that control? How do I appreciate and accept the help of those around me to meet my goals and to get things done? How do I just Let Go and Let God? I know it’s something I need to work on (probably for the rest of my life).

The reality of “reverse mission” is becoming so clear to me. We signed up for “volunteer work” and “service”, but as we talked about a lot in orientation, reverse mission happens more often than we expect it to. While I do believe we are making an impact here in San Nicolas, the reverse is true and I am gaining so much from this experience, as well.  I am learning so much about myself from the community and culture here in Nicaragua. And as painful as some of that learning can be, it is important to my mental and spiritual growth.

So forward we go! Letting Go and Letting God. Letting go and Letting other people. Letting go and letting my community lift me up when sometimes I feel so “out-of-control” that I can’t lift myself up.

Thanks for being a part of that community. Continued prayers for quick healing of Kyle’s leg. And patience for me as I take care of him…through sickness and health :)

Much love.